And how embracing them will gift you a higher quality of life.

“If you keep doing the same ‘thing’ you’ll keep getting the same ‘results’.”

Ever heard that one before? Probably. But how does it actually APPLY in real life? What does “doing something different” look like? Sometimes (most of the time) our repetitive behavior patterns are hidden well away in a BLIND SPOT. This was the situation for me in the department of romance.

For almost the entirety of my 20’s I was blinded by my:

Desire to be in a partnership
Unconscious “type” (of romantic partner)
Unconscious need to be the fixer, the motivator

And who knows exactly what else, but time and time again I continued to settle into relationships that were NOT a full-bodied, fuck-yes, soul-mate-ship. As I tried out one relationship after the next I had no idea of the layers of habituated behaviors that were at play. (That were keeping me stuck). I didn’t realize that my energy, that who I was BEing, and my deeply rooted beliefs were all contributing to me magnetizing in a certain type of partner again and again.

And then came the disruption:

Discovering my partner who I lived with and had been with for 3.5 years had been betraying me on and off the entirety of our relationship (you know, the usual: he created a secret double life, faked a mental breakdown… hacked my social media…).

HALLELUJAH, that disruption occurred because if it hadn’t, I would have continued to repeat the same scenarios (disguised in different details) again and again. I might have married and procreated with someone who does not bring out my “best self.”

I might never have known what it feels like to be with a soul-mate. To be in a full, embodied FUCK YES partnership.

At the time the disruption occurred I felt extremely wounded and humbled.

So humbled, in fact, that I was cracked wide open.

Life was able to penetrate my ego, my habit patterns, and my consciousness so that I could finally SEE the blind spots that had been in play.

I was able to assess how I had been showing up in my relationships.

I paused long enough to, for the first time, take a deep look at what I actually wanted in a relationship. How I want to show up for my partner, how I want to be treated. How I want to feel in my future romantic partnership.

I determined that, moving forward, I wanted to be with someone who is equally energized by life. No more did I want to play the role of motivator, trip planner, and life enthusiast - I wanted a true co-pilot.
I determined that I wanted to feel admired for my tenacity, while revered for my feminine flow and essence. I no longer wanted to appear that I had my shit together, I wanted a partner who could hold me in my collapse and celebrate me in my expansion.
I decided that it was essential that I had a partner who shared many of my interests and hobbies; that we have a wide array of things that bring us together and we can spend time enjoying together.
I realized that I did not want a project, someone I could “save” or “heal", I wanted someone who was confident in themselves, happy in their own right, and at my same level of consciousness and awareness.

I challenged myself to break out of my habituated approaches to dating and try NEW approaches.

A big one was saying YES to going on a date with someone I did not feel immediately attracted to. Even, at times, saying yes to going on a date with someone who I felt I wouldn’t have anything in common with.
I started to PAUSE when I felt myself go into the pattern of panic - the inner narrative that I needed a partner, and that so long as the guy I was dating was “good enough” I could keep going on dates with him. NOPE. Not my soul mate? Next.
Attractive, charismatic, but attachment issues? Nope. Not doing this again. Anything less than a full fuck yes about me? Not the one for me. (Basically, I called upon my courage to quickly part ways with that which I knew, deep down, was not in my highest interest).

I consciously chose to be less rigid, calculated and controlling, and instead embrace trust, playfulness, and synchronicity.

Perhaps my biggest pivot in the dating realm was that I became MUCH more honest.

Prior to this major life disruption, I had never considered myself a dishonest person.

I posed this question to myself: if I believe that like energy attracts like energy (which I do), then how was it I attracted in such a deeply dishonest and disingenuous partner?

Where might I have been vibrating at the level of dishonesty?

And what I discovered were my subtle, habituated, normalized manipulative behaviors to get what I wanted.

After a while, I began to notice my manipulative tendencies in many different areas of my life.

So, I started to clean it up.

And by clean it up, I mean I pivoted into honesty, authenticity, and integrity.

Instead of conniving to get what I wanted, I began to state it.
Instead of giving excuses when I dropped the ball or didn’t follow through, I apologized and told the truth.
Rather than say yes to everything knowing deep down I would have to cancel later, I started saying no.
I traded my pattern of giving compliments to engender affection for only doing or saying that which felt authentic and generous.

Essentially, I became a detective - searching for the ways in which I wasn’t being fully honest and genuine, and challenging myself to find the path back to honesty and authenticity.

We magnetize people towards us who are a match for our energy.

And though that can be a TOUGH pill to swallow, I feel it’s empowering to understand.

I could have easily sunk deep into victim mode after discovering his betrayal. I could have whined, blamed, cursed, and questioned “why am I not good enough? What did I do wrong?”

Fuck that. Instead, I got raw. I sought out professional support through both therapy and personal growth seminars to learn the tools to discover my blind spots and attend to them.

I grieved our relationship, I processed my anger, sadness, trauma, and pain.

AND the most powerful thing I did was figure out: who do I want to BE? What energy do I want to EMIT each day? How do I want to FEEL in my future romantic partnership?

I focused on those three things; each gifted to me from the dramatic DISRUPTION.

And in the process of that, I up-leveled my entire life. I discovered my dream career, became part of incredible communities based around shared interests, and met my soul-mate who I am now engaged to (in one of those communities!).

I feel radiantly alive and in love each day.

I can’t say what it is you will experience during and after a life-disruption, but I offer you this:

Embrace your disruptions.

Accept that they are occurring.

Mine them for their proverbial gold and gemstones.

If you are being humbled by the Universe, receive it.

If you are being stretched by the Universe, allow it.

Somehow, in some way that you cannot yet see, you are being guided to expand into your radiance. It may not be immediate, it certainly won’t be comfortable, but you step into your power when you CHOOSE it.

Ever expanding,

Zoë